miércoles, junio 06, 2007


me muero de lata traducirlo asi que cagaron los eximidos de inglés. el resto disfrute.
DOs & DON’Ts—Karaoke: Do not hog the mic. Try to sing a number of songs proportionate to how many people are there; if there are three people, you should be singing one-third of the songs. This applies to shy people, too. Don’t go to karaoke if you don’t want to sing.
DOs & DON’Ts—Drugs: If you aren’t at work, smoke weed whenever you want. But you are not allowed to go around telling everyone how stoned you are. That’s for 13-year-olds. As we’ve said before, no bumps of coke after 4:30 a.m. Prior to age 25, it is OK to have one night of dabbling with heroin every six months. After 25, no more getting down with the brown. You’ll just look like a gross old junkie the next day.
DOs & DON’Ts—Cheating: You can only cheat in the first six months of a relationship. The No. 1 rule of this is, the mistress has to know you have a girlfriend. Of course, it’s difficult to court a girl when you’re taken so what you have to say is “We have an open relationship but it’s disrespectful to shove it in her face so let’s try to keep it on the DL.” If you get caught cheating, the only thing you have to remember is deny, deny, deny.
DOs & DON’Ts—Farting: Girls can never fart, no matter what. If they feel they have one coming on, they have to go the bathroom with a pack of matches. They can also never openly admit to pooing. That means running the taps when it comes out and NEVER walking into the bathroom with a magazine. Boys can fart in front of girls after six months of dating or 100 fucks (whichever comes first).
DOs & DON’Ts—Male/female friendships: A man in a relationship cannot have pretty female friends. It is inappropriate for a guy in a relationship to go to a movie with a girl who is more than a 7 out of 10. It is perfectly acceptable to go to a movie with a fat ugly girl. He can even stay at her house overnight. Women may not have any male friends at all (except fags).
DOs & DON’Ts—Fuck-frequency: In the first year of a relationship, you have to do it at least four times a week. Second year it goes down to three. From the third year to the fifth year, you have to do it at least twice a week. After that, it’s once a week until you get married, then it’s never (seriously).
DOs & DON’Ts—Duration: No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you’re going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work!
DOs & DON’Ts—Swallowing cum on the first date: Only fags and desperate sluts swallow on the first date. To most men, it reeks of desperation and a desire to “own” a part of that person forever. Plus, swallowing is overrated. It’s much raunchier, healthier, and emotionally attractive to finish him off on your tits, letting a tiny silver dewdrop of cum go on your chin or something.
DOs & DON’Ts—Mean sex: Men got so scared of all that “No Means No” LUG (lesbian until graduation) talk, they fuck like babies now. Here’s the new rules: One “no” means “Meh, I don’t know”; two “no”s means “Maybe”; three “no”s means “No.”
DOs & DON’Ts—Orgasms: Women don’t cum from fucking as easily as men, so she doesn’t have to have an orgasm every time he does. “Sowwy.” It’s just not practical. A man only has to provide a woman with one orgasm for every three he has. It’s not like she’s going to get blue balls. She doesn’t even have balls. This does not include masturbating, by the way—that’s private.
DOs & DON’Ts—Scent: Don’t wear cologne. A boy’s natural scent is truly delicious. And even fresh BO is great. Sure, Drakkar Noir has an aphrodisiac in it, but we’re not 14 any more, and you don’t need to hide the pot stench from your mum.
DOs & DON’Ts—Public shitting: If you smell a bad shit come out of your hole, start flushing immediately. There is no limit to the number of courtesy flushes allowed. Also, you have to give the next guy a heads-up. Because once that poor bastard goes in there after you, he can’t just come running out screaming (like he wants to), because then you’re all embarrassed and it’s a weird vibe all around the restaurant. Just a little eye roll or gesture should do the job—be subtle but clear.
DOs & DON’Ts—Medicine: Don’t go to a doctor unless you have to crawl there. Operating at home is fun and easy. Never go to the dentist, either. And never take antibiotics. They are a crutch and they prevent your immune system from figuring out, and subsequently conquering, whatever the disease is. Never take your pet to the vet. If it’s sick, let it die. It’s the natural thing to do.
DOs & DON’Ts—Condoms at 30: By 30, you should be regularly fucking someone you can trust enough to go condomless without staying up all night worrying about AIDS. Birth control comes in myriad forms that don’t require one to asphyxiate their partner’s cock.

fuente vice magazine

3 comentarios:

gari dijo...


en serio.

Anónimo dijo...

are you the new carry bradshaw?

Anónimo dijo...

dejame decirte q lo mejor fue lo de los peos...
le da ese toque critico y analitico a lo cotidiano de una relacion....